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Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags
"Shinkt!" -''The slashing noise, the only noise they make'' Marathon, Lightweight, Commando Douchebags (rarely shortened to MLCD; pronounced "Milked") are an extremely annoying type of user found in Modern Warfare 2 online multiplayer lobbies. They can usually be distinguished from other users (before being killed personally) by their lobby score of 24-0. Name The name derives from the combination of perks commonly used with the highly irritating classes of Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags. Much like the "Anonymous" title made notorious by the 4chan message boards, Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags are not considered as individual players, but as one entity of dickery. Individuals using one of the many classes involved with the entity are known as "Marathon Lightweight Commando Douches". Classes Primary Weapons Usually, Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags will have standalone classes designated for their shenanigans. However, occasionally someone will take perfectly normal primary and secondary weapons, and turn them into WMD's (Weapons of Mass Doucheing) by combining them with Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags perks. Usually the primary weapons used in the classes are: *SMG's (w/ Rapid Fire or Red-Dot type optics) *Sniper Rifles (used for the ghilliesuits or quick scoping if they have large egos) *Assault Rifles (usually in conjunction w/ "noob tubes") And, as a general unwritten rule, anything else with a maxed mobility stat bar (Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags are oblivious to the fact that the bar means nothing). Secondary Weapons The secondary weapon of Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags is the most important. They include, but are not limited to: *M9, USP .45, or .44 Magnum (w/ a TACTICAL KNIFE...ALWAYS) *ESPECIALLY the .44 Magnum. The only time Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags are not found with Tactical Knives equipped to their pistols are when they're trying to unlock one. The Tactical Knife/Pistol is the most important part of the Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags weapons, as the time it takes to stab player after player is greatly reduced, and, while running, virtually no time is taken to pull the Tactical Knife out when the melee button is pressed. And Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags really, really have a hard on for running. Perks As the name implies, the perks used for qualification as Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags are very stringent. They include, and are limited to: *Marathon Pro (so they NEVER STOP RUNNING) *Lightweight (so they NEVER STOP RUNNING FAST) *Commando Pro (So they don't even have to be facing, or be within 50 feet of, you to kill you wit the knife melee attack) *Sometimes, though, Commando is substituted with Ninja pro (only the pro version) to run AND run silently. Tactics If the descriptions haven't tipped you off yet, it's spelled out here. Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags FUCKING LOVE RUNNING. They will do all they can to zip around the map at 45 mp/h (72 km/h). They'll usually try running all the way around (by that I mean on the very sides of it) the map to get to enemy position/spawn point. They will run up behind you, and end you and all you love on Christmas. You'll never see it coming. You'll just hear a "Snikt!" sound, and, next thing you know, you're watching a killcam and contemplating suicide, as you fell one short of a killstreak because of him. If you're considerate, and don't play with your microphone on like you're 13, you can't even warn other people of the impending doom. It's worse than waterboarding, I tell you what. The knives of Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags will find you, and they cannot be stopped. Sometimes they'll even run at you head on, where you think you have a real shot at it, but no. You don't. Because they have Painkiller. And they'll run much faster than you're eyes can even keep up with. And towards the end, he'll zoom forward a couple hundred yards, and a knife will be in his hands when he stops. Then, congratulations, you get to do it all over again because you're on a small "CQB" map. Previously, Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags would unlock a care package, but, instead of using it, they would just hold the marker. This is because you only run as fast as what you're holding in CoD, and the marker weighed something like negative 5 units. I don't know. They'd hold onto that, and - get this - RUN WITH IT. As if Lightweight wasn't bad enough, this amplified the running like there was actually a knob somewhere they could turn up to 11. But, in a joyful instance that should be a federally recognized holiday, complete with parades and banks closing, Infinity Ward, for once in their life, actually did something for their dissatisfied customers! Holy shit, they patched it! They really patched it! And Care Package Markers stopped making you run like a coked-up hamster. it actually made me believe in miracles, and, ipso-facto, God, for 3.4 seconds. Killstreak rewards As previously mentioned, the Care Package was almost always equipped to steroid up the Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags performance. But now, only high-count killstreak rewards are equipped, like Chopper Gunner, AC-130's, Stealth Bombers, and, as a rule of thumb, the Tactical Nuke. They can't get enough of pointlessly slaughtering the enemy's team, so they have to Nuke you. They get it in a manner that can only be described as non-consensual boosting, (hence the comparison to them "raping" the player), because Marathon Lightweight Commando Douchebags brains are wired in such a convoluted way that they can't be confined to decimating the other team. Their friendlies have to smell what the Marathon Lightweight Commando Douche is cooking. And it's something really unacceptable in most settings, like Tuna Salad. Yuck. Why are they so annoying? What, are you kidding me? Haven't you ever been killed by one? It's like living on a farm, only to come home one day to your wife cheating on you with a horse. Right before your eyes. And they don't stop, either. And you can't bring yourself to do anything about it. You're just paralyzed in absolute sock, and you just have to wait until they finish. Yes, it is EXACTLY like that. They suck. I mean, they REALLY suck. There's not a thing they do that isn't a dick move on their part. They're like the guys who will always pick up the check "next time," except way worse. Like, they deserve chemical castration and jail time worse. If it were up to me, as President, I'd sign an executive order saying they weren't allowed to breathe anymore. It's our precious resource, why waste it on them? 'Not enough trees as it is. Can they be stopped? Occasionally, if you make the same type of class, and use it only against them, some of them might get the picture. Alternatively, you can camp with heartbeat sensor-equipped LMG with Stopping Power. You will know when they are closing on you unless they have Ninja, so you can pump lead into them before they reach you. Claymores are an excellent addition to this setup. When is it okay for you to use it? Because I saw you. Hypocrite. When the other team is doing absolutely nothing but douchebag moves, you gotta 1-up that bitch! And that concludes our lesson for the day. Play safely, my sons. and few daughters. Man, it's awesome when that happens.